Ballpark Groundskeeper Insists Field Must Be Watered With Orange Soda, Sparks Debate

At the Diamond Valley Stadium, tensions have fizzed over as groundskeeper Martin Whitlock insists the baseball field should be watered with orange soda instead of water. Whitlock claims the sugary drink strengthens the grass, making it resistant to player wear and tear.

However, Timothy Reid, the assistant grounds manager, strongly disagrees. Reid argues that such a practice attracts more pest problems than it solves.

"It's ridiculous! The ants alone are forming their own fan club on the third base line," Reid lamented.

The situation has brewed conflict for weeks. Whitlock has found support in the form of some players, who enjoy the novelty of running on a field that stays perpetually sticky.

"It gives new meaning to stealing bases," remarked infielder Jake Harmon, who recently found bits of popcorn sticking to his cleats.

Despite the novelty, Reid's concerns grew louder. "The pitcher complains of slipping on sticky mounds," he stated, waving an angry hand at the soda-slicked mound.

"And it's not just ants. Bees have started buzzing in like they're tiny spectators."

In a bid to resolve the clash, team management held a meeting to consider both sides. Reid proposed a return to water, declaring a new sprinkler system would be more effective and less sweet.

Whitlock, determined, countered with a list of grass maintenance books he insisted endorsed sugary beverages. However, before any official decision could take place, an unrelated incident led to the ballpark’s soda delivery being rerouted to the neighboring stadium.

Deprived of the orange soda resource, Whitlock resigned to use water, albeit privately grumbling that he’d "roll that orange carpet out again" as soon as he could. This turn of events saw Reid's satisfaction short-lived; his victory came at the cost of a bee getting stuck to his shirt as he walked away.

For now, visitors to Diamond Valley Stadium will have to deal with a grass field that merely tastes of rain, ants left to reconsider their newfound favorite sport.