Local Umpire Insists on Using Vintage Cheese Slicer as Official Scorekeeping Tool

In a surprising turn of events at the Ducks vs. Beavers game at PK Park, Head Umpire Doug "Double-Score" Johnson has decided to forego traditional scoreboard technology in favor of an old-fashioned cheese slicer.

Johnson claims the slicer, taped to a clipboard with a series of colorful post-it notes, allows for a more "nuanced grip on the game dynamics."

However, the innovative approach is not without its critics. Assistant Stadium Manager Rita Horowitz has voiced her deep concerns about Johnson's choice.

Horowitz argued during yesterday’s press briefing that the cheese slicer does not "align with standard scorekeeping procedures," raising doubts about the accuracy and clarity of game stats.

"It is vital that fans and teams have access to the right scores," Horowitz explained, adjusting her signature floppy sunhat with an air of authority. "Doug's contraption leaves us in the dark about everything but the cheese itself."

The tension came to a head late during the sixth inning, when Doug's slice-flip method resulted in a score discrepancy that led to a 10-minute delay. Duck's head coach, Jeremy Paddock, threatened to throw his cap onto the field as a form of protest but was swiftly reminded of league conduct policies.

Though Johnson remains steadfast in his commitment to the cheese slicer, Horowitz moved swiftly this morning to implement backup scorekeeping on her laptop. "Technology exists for a reason, Doug," she barked during her morning update, hands glued to her sturdy keyboard like a tech ninja.

As the bureaucratic cheese drama continues, fans remain divided. Shirley McAllister, a long-time Ducks supporter and regular on the 'Jumbotron Dance Squad', voiced support for the old-school method, stating, "It may not be accurate, but it sure is entertaining."

With Horowitz now holding the only authoritative copy of the game’s stats, Johnson sat quietly through the post-game conference, fiddling with his cheese slicer and contemplating which post-it note to use next season.

It’s unclear if the cheese slicer will make another appearance in future games, but Johnson assured the press it was in "mint condition" for a return. "You just need to avoid the Gouda," he warned gravely, eyes twinkling in the afternoon light.